- [Hajime] What do you want to talk about Keita?
It's not that rash again, is it?
- [Keita] I was just wondering if they were gonna cancel
the Fine Arts Festival.
- Oh good God. You're the lead.
Who are they going to replace you with, Tom cruise?
- It's a role where I get cursed by a ghost
and almost die.
I read about this actor once.
He got a part just like that,
and then died under mysterious circumstances.
Hajime, would you take my place for the lead role?
- Me? No way.
Have you seen the female lead? No thanks.
- That's what I thought.
Hey, maybe if the gymnasium catches fire
they'll cancel the show.
- What?
- I hope it does catch fire.
- Pyro.
(thunder rumbling) (lightning crashing)
Oh man, I got to walk home today.
(lightning crashing)
Holy crack addict, it hit the gym!
- No way.
You don't think it happened
because I said something, do you?
(intense music)
(singing in foreign language)
(upbeat music)
- [Kid] It's black.
- I guess the school Fine Arts Festival's not gonna happen.
- I can't believe it.
And I stayed up all night working on my costume and props.
- Oh my, what a gifted seamstress.
I hope you're not a homosexual.
- A dude who can act and sew so obviously I'm gay.
I'm not gay you born again, homophobe, halfwit
but I am gonna be the lead in the Phantom of the Ghost Opera
I can tell you that, yeah.
- I've seen him act Keita.
You don't have a thing to worry about, trust me on this one.
- What do you think? You're the principal.
- I hate the Arts Festival.
Audit pays for the football team.
This year's festival will be at the old school house.
- What? - What?
- Keita, where you been?
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Aren't you going to the play rehearsal?
They're waiting for you.
This isn't about the trailer thing, is it?
- You know, there are rumors about ghosts
at the old school house.
I mean, what if those stories are true Hajime?
What if some accident happened to me?
Then someone else would have to take the part.
- No, that part is yours Keita.
No little dreidel spinner's gonna take your place.
Keita?
- I'm just gonna go to rehearsal.
(intense music)
My fingers are bleeding, look!
So, have I been cursed by the ghost after all?
- Bravo, somewhere Keanu Reeves is getting nervous.
Good job. G rated play, PG 13 violence.
Let's see Hadley beat this one.
- But if something bad happens to him
I get to do it, right?
- Bet the PTA's gonna freak, but I like it.
- Word.
- Uh? Huh?
Ah! (loud crashing)
- Keita! Keita!
- Keita! Somebody do something!
- Call an ambulance and find me the damn understudy!
- It's me!
- [Keita] Can any of you bastards get this off me?
- Are you for real?
- Uh, yeah.
Keita wished the gym would catch fire. Boom.
Hoped he'd get hurt. Smack.
The stairs are cursed.
- Cursed stairs? You're kidding me, cursed stairs?
- God is bigger than any demonic curse
and true believers like me don't believe in curses.
We have Jesus. If we ask stairs, nothing will happen.
Only prayers get answered.
- Oh good God.
- I think that's a great idea.
- Cool. Let's test this out.
I want a huge allowance and breasts when I get older.
- And when I get older, I want to fondle said breasts.
- I pray that all my friends
will become born again Christians.
- I hope Keita recovers, but not soon
and I get the lead in the play.
- [Group] What?
- The lead? You remember what happened to the first one.
- That's fate. I was always the right choice for the lead.
Everybody knows Keita got that lead on the casting couch.
And besides, who better to take the lead role
in a play about a ghost
than the school's resident psychical researcher?
- [Amanojaku] You get a free wish
and that's what you're going for? Loser.
- What do you want?
- All humans are idiots and human children are even worse.
And you four are the most pathetic I've ever seen.
- [Hajime] Keita's dead.
- [Satsuki] I wish something like that would happen to me.
I've got finals.
- [Leo] I got it.
- [Satsuki] Oh, hi Leo.
- I got the lead in the play
and I didn't have to spend one minute on the casting couch.
I don't care what you see Tammy Faye those stairs rock.
- No, I don't think so. I'm still poor and flat chested.
- So?
- So, I don't think this curse stair wish thing
is legit at all.
And you haven't touched my breasts, have you?
- No.
- And the way all of you are still acting,
you're going to hell.
- Oh, I get it.
Your wishes didn't come true because you're all selfish.
My wish came true because my talent
deserves a wider audience.
- I don't know, something doesn't seem right about all this.
- What do you mean?
- Obia's supposed to be this really hot dude,
with an enormous schlong all the chicks dig.
And look who got cast.
- What are you saying? That I'm so physically repulsive
no girl would want me?
- Yeah, pretty much tiny.
- I'm hung like a mule.
- Uh, Leo, you're no DiCaprio.
I think you're just being paranoid.
- If you want something to happen you just need to pray.
And not be a Muslim or Jewish.
- Wait a minute, you don't think it's just things
that are associated with that play
are the only ones that come true, do you?
If that's the case, I'm worried.
In that terrible script there's a line which goes,
"Break my neck and die."
- [Amanojaku] Now that's a play even I'd check out.
- All right, cat, where are you?
- So every line the nerd speaks in the play
is going to come true, huh?
This'll be the first R rated bloodbath
to ever be performed at an elementary school. Sweet!
By the time he figures out he's cursed,
his parents will be childless well before the second act.
Oh my stars and garters. I do love show business.
- Shut up cat and listen.
You don't know Leo well enough to be mean to him, just us!
- What if curses are true?
Leo will be killed and go to hell.
- The rehearsals are cursed too.
It might be curtains even before opening night curtain.
- You can be such a prick, you know that?
- By the way, did I ever tell you
the more scared you dumb meat sacks get
the more powerful this little black kitty becomes.
- Tonight, Leo's family will have sukiyaki for dinner.
- What? - What?
- I have faith in my Lord Jesus.
I don't believe in cursed stairs
and this test will prove it.
- Good one, if they don't have sukiyaki
then our theory is as bogus as Scientology.
- All right, let's go.
(doorbell ringing)
- [Group] Trick or treat, just kidding.
- Well hello.
Leo didn't tell us we were having company,
but it's always good to see you.
- Perfect timing kids.
We just started cooking sukiyaki.
- What are you doing here?
You're supposed to go through my agent.
- Leo, listen to me.
Quit the damn play and hold out for something better.
Like Cats Two.
- I'm sick of you all.
You're just jealous of my talent
and envious I'm a mega celebrity.
Get out. Take your autograph books and go home.
- Leo.
- Hollywood.
- Unbelievers.
- Oh cursed hanging clouds of black
in oppressive sky of blue.
Hang on. Let me get myself aligned in it.
Okay, got it!
Oh, cursed hanging clouds of black
in oppressive sky of blue
unleash your dark lightening fury.
Let your rage be true.
Bring on your mighty wind!
(suspenseful music)
Let anger burn from Eastern sea and rage from other coasts.
I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost!
And all of the others of my kind will die
and when I fall so shall I!
Ah! (loud crashing)
- Leo!
- Are you all right?
- Damn it you guys.
You're supposed to drop Leo
after he finishes saying his next line.
- Don't yell at us. It's not our fault.
We didn't do it.
- Leo's fat ass broke the beam.
(boy screaming)
- You guys probably sabotaged that beam
to give credence to your ridiculous haunted curse story!
That and the fact that you're jealous.
- Huh? - Huh?
(lighting crashing) (girl screaming)
- What the fizzity-uck was that?
- Let's fizzity-uck and find out.
- Why couldn't it have hit the math building?
- Or science. I hate science.
It's the stairs I'm telling you, man, the stairs are cursed.
- Those stairs are not cursed.
We may have seen certain spiritual phenomena lately,
but a simple thunder struck is not proof of another.
This is a simple meteorological occurrence
that happens all the time.
"The Today Show" said it would rain.
- Look here white Al Roker,
a lightning bolt just struck the stupid gymnasium
two days ago.
This is not a natural meteorological occurrence
and Leo, I have to break it to you. This play really blows.
(cat laughing hysterically)
That damn cat, I'll bet you're behind this, aren't you?
You're the one who said you fed off our fears.
Are you the one causing this? Fess up!
I hope you choke on a hairball.
- See there? There's no such thing
as a bunch of cursed stairs paranoid Patty.
It's your cat. Now I want you to put him under lock and key.
I go on tomorrow night and I've already sent an invite
to The Times. I'll be in my trailer
and I don't want to be disturbed.
- Sorry. Look at Jennifer Lopez go.
- Dumb actors.
Anyway, we just need to make sure he's safe.
Then when he makes it big, we take our 15%.
(suspenseful music)
- Let me out of here!
I've lived in castles in royal kingdoms.
How dare you put me in a kitty carrier.
- Don't push it. I've got the muzzle in my pocket.
- But I'm telling you I haven't done anything.
- Satsuki, my class is all finished.
- Take the cat and don't let him out.
- Okay.
- Come on, Leo Olivie's about to go on.
- Right.
- We must save him.
- Well, look who's here.
- Where the hell are those morons?
I'm about to start and I need my crew.
I told Hajime not to be late with my blood squibs.
- [Teacher] Leo!
- What?
- Hadley's here. Break a leg.
- Right.
Today fifth grade, tomorrow "Inside the Actor's Studio. "
- [Announcer] The Phantom of the Ghost Opera.
- Shalom Leo! - My baby!
- I'm telling you kid, you gotta let me outta here.
An old buddy of mine just showed up
and that's never a good sign.
- Don't listen to him Keiichirou, shut up cat!
I'll cover up those air vents with duct tape
if you say one more word.
All right, let's go.
- Okay. You're going to be a good kitty, aren't you?
- Me? Oh, I'll be just perfect.
But don't come crying to me when the understudy's
gonna need an understudy.
- Oh, behold from my fingers, blood!
But I don't have my blood squibs.
I must be a better method actor then I thought.
Wait, somethings wrong. My body won't move.
- Somewhere Keanu Reeves-
- Must be getting nervous.
- What do you think you're doing? You can't be back here.
- Look stage hand, I don't have to listen to you.
Leo's not dead yet. We're not late.
- Wait, something smells.
- Besides the play?
- I've got his props. Leo's not a sudden hemophiliac is he?
- What?
He's bleeding like a stuck pig out there. What's going on?
- Maybe it's just ketchup.
It couldn't be real blood, could it?
- Stigmata.
- Oh Jesus.
I don't get it. We locked up that damn cat.
- This'll be the first R-rated blood bath
to ever be performed at an elementary school. Sweet.
- Oi freaking vey, I'm cursed by a ghost after all!
- By the time he figures out he's cursed,
his parents will be childless well before the second act.
- Leo's going to die.
I should've given him the number of Jews for Jesus.
Huh? - Hey!
- Remember what the cat said?
He told us he saw a ghost earlier.
- Yeah.
- I bet that fur ball could pick out which one
in this book of supernatural mugshots.
- Hey kid, come here.
- Huh?
- I'm getting a little lightheaded.
I think I'm running out of air.
You don't let me out, you're a cat killer.
- But I, they told me not to do that.
- Pussy. I guess you always do
what your big sister tells you to do.
- Okay.
- Later! - Hey!
- Keiichirou!
Where's the damn cat?
- But he.
- What?
Keiichirou, what are you, retarded?
- Kinda.
- Obviously. Which way did he go?
(speaking gibberish)
(speaking gibberish mockingly)
Now we'll never find out who the ghost is.
I hope to God you're adopted.
(boy crying)
- It's all right Keiichirou darling.
- What?
- Satsuki, look there in the ghost diary.
- Oh cursed hanging clouds of black
in oppressive sky of blue.
Unleash your dark lightning fury.
- Oh.
- Aren't you glad we came Howard?
They're so cute.
- They're not that cute.
And for the last time we are not having kids together.
- I put Kutabe in spiritual sleep.
A statue of Gizo was his resting place.
It resided on the fourth step of the stairs.
And it was a scary ghost,
who would turn the words spoken there into reality.
- That's it.
- Damn it.
The fourth step is the only one that works.
That's why our wishes weren't granted.
And I'm still in a training bra.
- We need to put that thing to spiritual sleep in a hurry.
- Well duh!
What? Who took the damn steps?
Hey, hold it!
- What?
- That staircase is gone. Don't suppose you know anything?
- Yeah. Some drama teacher paid us to tear it down.
Now, if you don't mind, I got to get home to my trailer,
wife and kids. Bet you can't wait to get older.
- Aw, hell!
- Hey, look, this is Gizo.
- You're right.
- [Satsuki] There's a talisman on it.
I wonder if that's what mom used.
- Someone chopped off his head.
- (boy laughing) He said head.
- Hey, here it is.
- Don't just stand there, fix it.
- I was gonna use this glue for your big mouth,
but I guess masonry will do.
(cat laughing loudly)
- That's so sad, I could cry.
And just when you finally learn
how to put Kutabe to sleep too.
- There you are.
Listen to me you stupid cat. Where is Kutabe?
If you don't tell us,
Leo's gonna break a lot more than a leg tonight.
- So? I'm a ghost, I don't care.
One less human kid running around
isn't gonna break my heart.
- Oh, you're just bitter because you're dead
and in the body of a cat.
If you don't help, I'm taking you to the SPCA
and put you down.
- Fine, I'll still have eight lives left.
This cat thing definitely has its advantages.
- Amanojaku.
- You.
- So you're telling us that you don't mind?
- [Amanojaku] Not at all.
- So then you're familiar with all the lines in the play?
- Let anger burn from Eastern sea
and rage from other coasts.
I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost
(suspenseful music)
Let anger burn from Eastern sea and rage from other coasts.
I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost.
And all of the others of my kind will die.
- What?
I thought that piece of crap
was written by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- If all the ghosts are to cease to exist.
What do you suppose will happen to you?
Now, If there's anything you know cat, spill it!
- Fine, it's the stairs.
The ghost resides inside the damn stairs.
- They're onstage. The steps are on the set.
- Wow. She must've been tired.
- Momoko! Is that you?
- Huh? Where am I?
- Heaven, get up.
- Aw, quit making fun of the Christian.
We got to save Leo.
- Gotta go, move it Haji.
- That was freaky.
- What?
- You sounded like mom. I didn't know you did impressions.
- What are you talking about? Oh my goodness.
Do I need to get back on my medication? Are my eyes red?
(boy laughing maniacally)
- That bad huh?
- Oh it's awful but the real puzzler is
we're not pulling on the rope and Leo's still floating.
- That's him. I mean it.
- How's the play?
- Awful.
- Here. And don't dare complain if they're not in your size.
(suspenseful music continues)
Okay, I like you the least so I nominate you, go.
- Damn it.
- Okay, hit it!
- Right.
- [Group] Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.
Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it.
Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.
Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it.
Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.
Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it!
- [Keiichirou] Kutabe, Kutabe, oh, are we done?
- And now lightning strike, lightning strike!
(lightning crashing loudly)
(boy screaming)
(crowd murmuring softly)
- You must've done something wrong.
- What happened? Did I win the Tony yet?
I get it! The curse was lifted by my acting.
I'd like to thank God and my parents.
You like me, you really like me.
(crowd cheering)
- Leo. - You're so wonderful.
- [Announcer] Fifth grade, group B, the play was-
- Leo!
- Praise God.
- Hey, my posse.
- Now that's a play.
- I just give God all the glory.
- Oh no, no.
I was only thanking God because all the celebrities do it.
He didn't do anything.
Besides if I really want my acting to kick into high gear,
I got to go Kabbalah.
- Huh? - Huh?
(teacher clapping loudly)
- Nice job, Leo. I'm very impressed.
I don't usually go in for improvisation,
but you made it work.
- Huh? You really think so?
Maybe I should write, direct and star.
I can be Kevin Smith but I talk more in my roles.
- God, when did he go maniac?
- He even makes Chris Patton look humble.
- Or Greg Ayres.
- Hah, don't get too full of yourselves.
Remember, if it wasn't for me,
your friend would be headlining in Heaven.
Or according to born again Betty, Hell,
since after all, he is Jewish.
- Kaiya!
- You. What do you want?
- Thanks a lot man.
- Huh?
(excitedly speaking gibberish)
I think she's right, you are retarded.
- What'd I say? Where you going?
(calm music)
(energetic music) (singing in foreign language)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Come back, come back, come back ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(classic music)
- [Man] Listen four times and you'll die.
Listen four times and you'll die.
Listen four times and you'll die!
- Somebody stop it!