(dramatic music)
- [Man On TV] That's right.
That guy has to be behind it.
- [Guy On TV] That guy?
I told you not to talk about that.
- [Man On TV] But only he could do something like this.
- [Guy On TV] Get a grip man, he's dead.
- [Man On TV] That's what I'm saying.
He's come back to life from that dark grave.
(pounding on door) (boy gasps)
(door creaks)
- Hello?
Big hand's on the 11.
Let's see, that's, that's 4:30!
- [Mom] I'm home.
- It's Mom, oh, thank goodness.
Usually the pastor keeps her longer than this.
Mother, is Reverend Beeters with you?
(boy screaming)
(singing in foreign language)
(dramatic music)
- [Keiichiro] What then?
- And then when his mother came home,
she found him as dead as Christian Slater's career.
When his mom asked him what happened,
all he did was tremble in fear
in a puddle of drool and you don't wanna to know.
- Initially they thought it was autoerotic asphyxiation
gone terribly wrong,
but then they found other kids
suffering from the same thing.
Something scared them so bad they became idiots,
and always while their parents were away.
- Huh, say what?
Then what will happen to Keiichiro?
- But, Satsuki, did you forget (crying)?
- [All] What?
- That's right, tonight Dad's going to his monthly
fathers without spouses meeting.
- My parents will be gone too.
- And mine will be at synagogue tonight,
and that always lasts forever.
- You know, even if your parents pray 24 seven,
they're hellbound unless they embrace Jesus.
- Hey Momoko, how about an impromptu
Bible study at my place?
- Oh, Satsuki, I would love to.
- (laughs) Scared to be alone, Satsuki?
- No, we're just hanging out, loser.
- Gonna have a little girls night together.
- Come on, let's paint our nails,
and stuff our training bras with paper,
and watch weird entertainment for women!
- Hey, Leo.
- Well, I was planning on watching
the Stargate SG-1 marathon tonight,
but these are the episodes without Claudia Black,
and they suck, so I'm open.
- Hey, Keiichiro, if you're scared, come over.
We'll have guys night.
- Really, guys night?
- [Hajime] Oh yeah, guys night.
- [Keiichiro] Get off me!
- [Hajime] Guys gone wild, wild!
- [Momoko] Let's pray about this, Satsuki
- Okay, your little dunking booth for Jesus is ready.
- I'll keep you under until you come up speaking in tongues.
- [Satsuki] Okay, listen, I only asked you to come over
so I wouldn't be alone tonight.
I'm not ready to make any kind of spiritual commitment.
I got some living to do.
- [Momoko] Well, let's keep the baptismal ready
just in case.
I mean, if a ghost does attack,
you'll want to repent before you die, won't you?
- [Satsuki] I'm in fifth grade.
Shouldn't take that long.
- [Momoko] Oh, you'd be surprised how many transgressions
a filthy little sinner like you can rake up in just a day.
- [Satsuki] Look--
- [Momoko] Oh, Satsuki, let's sing.
♪ Jesus loves me ♪
Come on, you know the words!
- [Keiichiro] Damn it to hell, I died again.
- God, you suck.
That's what's wrong with you Damacy dorks.
Get your hands on some Grand Theft Auto or Snuffed Three.
Butch it up.
- [Keiichiro] I like guys night and you're awesome.
- Ah.
- [Keiichiro] So when are the hookers showing up?
- How in the world did kids
ever get laid before the internet, praise Jehovah.
That's right, I'm 6'1", 180, brown, brown, nine inches cut.
Ah, cut, you know, like in, as in I've been ah, I'm Jewish.
- Well, he sounds hot in a nerdy kind of way.
But he says he's uncut.
What does that mean?
I've never got that.
(electricity crackles) (girl gasps)
That scared the crap out of me.
Where was I?
Hello, you still there?
She's so rude.
Always hanging up on me.
(pounding on door) (girl screams)
Who, who's there?
(door creaking)
(pounding on door)
(haunting music)
(girl gasps)
(girl screams)
(watch beeping)
- Finally, minute rice, my ass, let's eat.
- Let's pray first.
- [Amanojaku] (laughing) You need to pray.
- God don't you have anything better to do?
- Let me put it this way.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.
If I should die before Dad gets home.
- All right, how'd you hear?
- One who walks with the lotus cheetah
seeks the Magnolia Mountain in springtime.
- [Satsuki] Don't screw with me.
If you know something, just say it.
- I won't do it.
If you're so smart,
figure it out yourself or die trying (laughing).
(pounding on door)
- Damn Jehovah's Witnesses.
- It's probably just Keiichiro coming back after gameathon.
- Oh, yes, he's so stupid,
he knocks on his own door when he gets home, then again.
- It's that satanic cult.
- Let's just ignore them.
- No, I'll handle these freaks.
(dramatic music)
(pounding on door)
- Oh, man, she's eager and 40 minutes early, very eager.
(pounding on door)
Okay!
- Momoko, let's not do this.
- [Momoko] Why?
- Because it might not, it might not be a Jehovah's Witness.
- [Momoko] Oh, no, you'd be surprised
at how these religious freaks
will push their way on you, it's disgusting.
- [Satsuki] No.
- That's such a fat knock.
She better look like her pictures.
I hate it when they lie on their profiles.
(pounding on door)
(Leo sighs)
It better not be another overweight tranny.
(electricity crackles)
Oh no, the lights went out.
That could be good.
(pounding on door)
(Leo gulps)
(dramatic music)
- Hello?
- Oh, look a different heathen.
- It's you, get lost.
- Come on, let me see what happens on girls night.
- Mind your own business.
- Oh my, smells like you bailed on Wii,
(sniffs) and switched to Rachael Ray, love her.
- She's fat.
- She's short.
(dramatic music)
(Leo screams)
You, you lied!
- I died, damn it.
Where's that room where I could
have sex with a hooker, get laid.
- This is awesome.
I thought I was gonna be able
to freeze some panties or something,
but this was much better.
- Let's pray, screw it.
- After you eat you are going to leave us alone, aren't you?
- I am so over my Giada De Laurentiis phase.
- [Satsuki] Oh God.
- Satsuki, may I get something to drink?
- Yeah, I think there's some Miller High Life in the fridge.
- Great.
Empty.
- Yeah, Dad's been lonely.
- I'll go get something non-alcoholic.
- Okay, to each his own.
(electricity crackling)
Damn it, he gets loaded and forgets to pay the bills.
- (laughs) Well, knock knock, who's there?
Just another ghost coming to kill you.
- Is it really?
Maybe this is a ghost that likes cats.
Maybe it's not some freaky child killer.
Maybe it's a pissed off PETA volunteer who saw the light
and is in the market for a new fur coat.
- (scoffs) Fine suit yourself.
Then don't believe me,
but are the lights and the phone
strangely and suddenly going out ever a good sign?
I wonder, do you kids ever watch TV?
(Leo gasping) (dramatic music)
- Ghosts in the chat rooms.
This is a bunch of crap is what this is (screams).
If she was fat at least I could outrun her (screams).
- Look, the little Jew boy.
(dramatic music)
(Leo screaming)
Hey, Leo.
(Leo screaming)
- He didn't pay the phone bill either?
- Huh?
- I told you.
(mysterious music)
Damn it, I wish the microwave was working.
I'd love some popcorn while I watch this.
(pounding on door)
(both gasp)
(pounding on door)
- Get the door.
- Huh, why me?
- It's probably just Momoko.
- So?
(dramatic music)
(pounding on door)
Why am I doing this again?
- Because if it's not Momoko and it is a ghost,
better you than me, do it.
(Hajime groans)
(all screaming)
- [Satsuki] Leo!
- It's coming, bad ghost internet dating 10 o'clock!
- Bad what?
(Leo screaming)
(dramatic music)
Close the door!
(all screaming)
- That was Attila.
- Babasare, the Babasare is here!
- Barbra Streisand?
(glass crashing)
(wind whooshing)
I guess it left.
- Let's not take any chances.
Where's your mother's ghost diary?
(dramatic music)
- December 27th, during the town assembly's retreat
this girl named Mia was home alone when Babasare showed up,
and so I came running up chanting
old hag, hit the road three times,
and put it to sleep in a Shinto shrine.
- All right, now we know how to take care of that bitch.
- That will work.
I read the same thing in a book once,
so I tried chanting it while I was running away,
but it kept chasing me all the way here.
Kind of hoped it would take Momoko out, but no dice.
- [Hajime] Good try though.
- It probably can't be put to spiritual sleep
using the same method anymore.
- What, maybe you just did it wrong.
- Aren't you a little young for Alzheimer's?
Don't you remember?
New construction's destroying the hillside.
Because of that, all those precious little seals
your mother used to trap the ghosts
are as good as a service merchandise warranty (laughing).
(sighs) There's no way you skibby dotes
are gonna be able to stop Babasare, too bad, so sad.
- Well that and you just suck.
- Hey, the lights.
- Lights on, we're good to go.
- [Amanojaku] Hmm, interesting shop talk.
But the lights coming on simply mean
that Babasare's target has changed!
- [Satsuki] It's shopping at Target, what?
- [Amanojaku] Know any kids
who are all alone right now in the dark?
- [Satsuki] Hey, where's Keiichiro?
- [Hajime] He's playing games at my house all alone.
- Oh no, that's the last time
I let you babysit, you stupid idiot.
Leo, make yourself useful,
and try to figure out some way
to keep that Barbra Streisand bitch off our back.
Play the Yentl soundtrack or something.
I'll go get Keiichiro.
- Oh, okay.
- That is so awesome.
You'll risk your own life
to save your little retarded brother.
- You're coming with!
(Hajime groans)
And if he's dead don't even think
I'm paying you for watching him!
- [Hajime] Ow, ow, I said ow!
- [Satsuki] I heard you the first time and I don't care!
- Yeah, take it bitch, like that?
Ah, didn't get to shoot her.
What the fizzydyuck?
(pounding on door)
(Keiichiro crying)
The cops, man, this game is realistic.
(pounding on door)
(gasps) The slammer (crying).
- [Satsuki] Open up, sweetie.
Open the door.
- Satsuki, is that you (crying)?
- Move your ass.
- (crying) It is you (giggles).
(Keiichiro screaming)
- [Satsuki] Keiichiro, calm down.
It's me, the real me, not Babasare.
(Keiichiro screaming and crying)
Calm down!
(Keiichiro babbling)
(pounding on door)
- [Hajime] Man, she's pissed off.
What a hag.
- Yeah, guess her and Brolin are past the honeymoon stage.
(glass crashing)
(timber creaking)
(Keiichiro crying)
(timber creaking)
- [Hajime] Come on already.
(mysterious music)
(Keiichiro screaming and crying)
(Hajime grunts)
(Hajime screams)
(all screaming)
(groans) Oh man, you're fat.
- [Satsuki] Shut up!
As for you, cat, can't you help us at all?
- [Amanojaku] Maybe.
- [Satsuki] The neighbors Doberman is right next door.
- [Amanojaku] Maybe not.
- That's it, come on!
(Amanojaku scoffs)
(electricity crackles)
(thunder crashing)
- [Hajime] Oh rain.
- [Leo] It's really coming down.
(Amanojaku laughing)
- [Satsuki] So what, the stupid ghost
made it rain, that's retarded.
- [Leo] It's Babasare, not Storm from the X-Men.
- Hey, do you guys think maybe
the rain made Babasare go away, answer me.
- Yeah, just like signs?
(pounding on door)
(all groan)
(thunder crashing)
- [Amanojaku] They're here.
(all scream)
(dramatic music)
- Back, evil spirit, be gone!
What do you think of that?
I made a talisman!
(dramatic music)
You bitch.
(all groaning)
(dramatic music)
(all screaming)
- Take that!
(Babasare moaning)
Yeah, I hate minestrone too!
(dramatic music)
- Hey, what are you doing?
Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, I don't think this is the time for a bath.
- Like I'm ever gonna take my clothes off
with you two pervs around.
Didn't you notice what happened when Babs got all wet?
She got meltier.
Haven't either of you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?
(all gasps)
(timber creaking)
Better have paid the gas bill,
and matches, keep out of reach of children.
I don't think so.
- Geez, it's coming.
(haunting music)
- It's here!
(Babasare moaning)
(Hajime gasping)
- Good, good luck.
- Yeah, I'll go it alone again!
Thank you so much, Leo.
(Babasare moaning)
- We got a fire!
(Babasare moaning) (Hajime screaming)
- Here's Johnnie!
- Get the bitch in the bathtub.
- [Leo] What if she likes showers?
(dramatic music)
- Him so over this old hag.
Finally, this stupid Swiffer's good for something!
(dramatic music) (Babasare moaning)
(all sigh)
- [Satsuki] Bye bye, Babs.
- [Hajime] That is the worst bathtub ring I've ever seen.
- [Leo] I don't even think Scrubbing Bubbles
are gonna get that out.
- [Amanojaku] Pardon me, anyone want my opinion?
- [Satsuki] God, now you decide to give us advice?
- Babasare is a ghost manifested by children's fears,
so adults who don't believe in ghosts
in the first place don't see it!
You listening to me?
If you don't get scared, it won't appear.
If you crap your pants, go city.
Your little water sports have no effect on Babs at all.
Are you listening to me?
- Oh no.
(all screaming)
Calgon, take me away!
- [Reiichirou] I'm home!
- [Keiichiro] Dad (crying)!
(mysterious music)
- She disappeared.
- Thank you so much, Calgon.
- Crap, just when things were getting interesting.
- Oh God, well, on the way there,
I had the worse attack of diarrhea,
so I had the bus drop me off and I came home.
I swear, I almost didn't make it.
I tried to call.
What's the matter with you all?
You look like you've just seen a ghost.
- Okay, so like nothing happened to you?
- No, on my way to the store I ran into Mr. Miyanoshita,
and we just got caught up talking about Jesus.
His shirt, it's a sign.
(all groan)
- [Satsuki] What do you mean?
You didn't see it?
- [Momoko] No, only Leo running like a scared little girl.
- [Leo] Yeah, thanks for the help.
- Hmm, so Babasare is a ghost
you don't see if you're not scared.
That makes no sense at all to me.
- That's why it went away when Dad came home.
Adults are only afraid of checking the mailbox.
- Maybe it was just mass hysteria, a kind of group panic.
You know how one group of people think one thing happened
when actually that thing they think happened
didn't happen at all.
Like Ashlee Simpson singing at her concert.
- [All] What, you saw Ashlee?
- You told me you went to Hoobastank.
(mysterious music)
(thunder crashing)
(singing in foreign language)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Come back, come back, come back ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(upbeat music)
- [Leo] Hello, Satsuki.
There's something going on with my mother.
I can't describe it very well,
but it's like, like she's a completely different person.
Something's different about her.
Something, Satsuki, help me!
(phone beeping)