(ghostly whooshes)
(electronic beeps)
(mouse click)
(hinges creaking)
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
(keyboard clicks)
- Mm. Ugh.
What? What the hell is happening?
I didn't do anything!
- I think there's a short circuit
between the chair and the keyboard. Yeah.
Move aside.
(cheerful music)
- Huh? You're so nerd-rific!
- Computers are very delicate machines,
and must be treated with respect.
Kicking it or hitting it will only interfere
with the delicate... what are you doing?
- What the hell is this thing, a copier?
A hard drive?
- It's called a scanner.
You use it to transfer pictures to Myspace.com,
or JewishNerdBoysLookingForHoochies.org.
- Really?
- Ahem! Listen, I had no idea I was
dealing with a total novice here.
Let's start with the basics.
How about we talk about the mouse first?
- The what?
- The mouse-shaped thing on the right.
(gasp)
(computers powering down)
- Want to go get lifted?
- Sounds great, man.
- All right, keep it down you guys.
Well, that's weird. Why are the lights still on?
- What's happening? Hey, Bill Gates, what's going on?
- I think I might've gigged the mega RAM?
- Not even you could do that.
But I can't say for sure what happened.
It must be a system-wide failure with the network,
since they all went down at once.
- Well, if it isn't my fault, maybe a ghost did it.
- Of course it did.
- Don't be a dumbass, I was just kidding.
- No. It could be a distinct possibility.
- Huh?
- Have you ever heard of Yomi dash net?
- [Satsuki and Hajime] Yomi-net?
- Yes. They say it's located somewhere
on the World Wide Spiderweb, a ghost homepage. Yeah.
Its actual IP address is unknown,
but if you do manage to find it,
it's said that you can communicate with the spirit world.
But if you order books,
they totally screw you on the shipping fees.
That must be it. The network went down because
the ghost of Yomi dash net is trying to log onto us!
- Huh?
(birds chirping)
- [Momoko] Oh my heavens, a ghost homepage?
- That's what Leo says.
I guess this just proves that there are
nerds in the afterlife.
But mom didn't say anything about internet ghosts
in her diary.
- What's a homepage?
- [Momoko] Computers weren't around when
your mother was in school.
Why, she barely had ink pens.
- I don't care if your mother's diary
never mentions Yomi dash net or not, I know it's real!
- Real or not, you don't know where it is, do you?
- That's not the point.
- I see. You know what you call something like that?
A load of crap.
Crap.
- "Train up a child the way he should go," Proverbs 22:6.
What's a homepage?
- Very good, little Christian soldier!
And you should never see homepages.
You see, the internet was a blessing from the lord Jesus,
to spread the word of God throughout the world.
But pedophiles and Muslims stole it and used its holy power
to seduce children like yourself into sin.
- Get out!
- Not get out, get saved.
- The Yomi-Net is real, I'll prove it.
- Huh?
- I swear, I'll scan the entire internet to prove it
to you naysayers.
It'll mean less time on KosherKamaSutra.com,
but you got to do what you got to do!
Come on, Google. Yoni-net.com. Yeah.
(beep)
(frustrated groaning)
(electrical zap)
(scream)
(groaning)
- Good morning!
- Well, good morning there, Leo.
- It's morning, all right.
- Did you find your little satanic sin site?
(groan)
- From the bags under his eyes, I'd have to say no.
- Because there is no such thing as Yomi-net.
- There is such a thing as Yomi-net!
And I'm going to find it,
and then you're all going to be sorry! Yeah!
- Whatever.
- He hasn't been this upset since they canceled Sliders.
(school bell chimes)
- [Leo] "You need to persevere," Hebrews 10:36.
My god, I'm desperate!
(door opens)
- Ah, there you are.
- What do you guys want?
- Leo, hours of looking at porn sites,
never seen a Yomi-net.
- Just leave me alone.
- You know, kids would stop talking about you
if you'd get out more.
Kind of de-geek yourself.
- Geeks run the world!
- But they're not getting their peepees waxed,
now are they?
Here.
- [Leo] What's the catch?
- Oh my god, their stock is in the toilet,
and now they have fruit salads, chicken tenders,
and tofu fries.
- Why would you eat there? Didn't you see Super Size Me?
- They had a coupon in the paper,
and I know what a tight-ass you are.
Besides, they've got an Æon Flux Giggity Meal.
- What? An Æon Flux Giggity Meal?
Yes, yes! Oh my god, a pocket-sized Charlize Theron
of my very own to carry around with me all day long!
Sweet! There is a god!
- Better get extra napkins with yours.
Can't believe I said that.
So it's settled. Let's meet at the creepy train station.
(school bell rings)
- Hey, want some candy little boy?
Huh? Hajime, you're late.
- I couldn't help it. I got detention again.
Don't ask why. Where is everybody?
- They didn't want to meet you.
The Æon Flux thing grossed them out.
- Oh, drop it.
- So where's Leo?
- Uh, give you one guess.
He's on that stupid computer again,
trying to find the Yomi-net.
I don't want to wait for him. Let's go.
Charlize is waiting.
(keyboard clacking)
(sigh)
(yawn)
- God, if you're listening and there is a Yomi-net,
would you please show it to me now?
(electronic whir)
- Huh?
- Holy Moses!
Look at it! Maybe it's...
Yomi dash net!
Wow, the graphics are kind of weak.
Huh?
(ghostly sounds)
What? That's it?
Oh, come on. No way, after all that work?
Oh man, I'm late. I better get going.
Power down.
I had better luck hacking Citibank's credit card database.
Oh, the DVDs that bought.
(door closes)
(dramatic music sting)
- [Keiichirou] All your base are belong to us.
(laughs)
- [Satsuki] Momoko! Keiichirou!
Hey guys, you been waiting long?
- Not too.
- So where's Leo?
- Who cares. I'm sorry, does anyone else hear jingle bells?
(train passes)
(labored breathing)
- I'm late! They're going to be all out of Giggity Meals!
Oh man, where is everybody? Who's on Oprah today?
(bells jingling)
Those bastards, they left without me.
- He's so late!
- All your base are belong to us.
- I'm getting hungry, damn.
- All your base are belong to us.
(bells jingling)
- Huh.
(bells jingling)
- [Satsuki] I can't stand it!
I'm going to have to call the jerk.
I hate payphones. Disgusting.
- Excuse me, Satsuki?
- What?
- Verizon. Like Jesus, it never stops working for you.
- [Satsuki] A cell phone?
Well lookie there,
would've been nice to know 30 minutes ago! Thank you!
- You can use it if you promise
not to be on the phone too long.
I know how you pagans take advantage of others.
- Well, genius, how about we call Leo?
Or shall we mentally will him to join us?
- With your mental acuity, I don't think that's an option.
(bells ringing)
- I'm Cillian Murphy.
(bells ringing)
In 28 Days Later.
(bells ringing)
Or is it Silly-an?
But we did zombies in the last episode.
I'm all alone. Forgotten.
Like a black family in Bush America.
(phone rings)
That must be FEMA! Late, of course.
Mr. Brown?
- [Hajime] Leo, where the hell are you?
I am starving, and I'm sick of waiting for your ass.
- [Leo] And I'm sick of waiting for you! Where are you?
- What do you mean, where?
We're at the train station, you idiot!
And I'm tired of hearing jingle bells!
- [Leo] I am at the train station!
- Say what?
- [Leo] I'm at the train station, right here!
And I've been here forever!
And I'm so very lonely.
- What? How high are you?
- [Leo] There's no one around!
I can't hear anything, I'm freaking out! Paranoid!
- You smoked all of it, didn't you?
I mean, what are you talking about?
There are tons of people here.
- [Leo] You smoked all of it! There's no one here!
Hey, wait a minute, what if...
What if...
(bells ringing)
Huh?
- [Hajime] Leo? Leo? Leo!
- I see a girl.
- [Hajime] A girl? Really?
What does she look like? Leo? Leo!
- Hey, calling plan Patty's going to get pissed.
- Something's not right. I mean, he's on a booty call.
This has got to be the work of a ghost.
(bells ringing)
(labored breathing)
- Hey, little mini geisha, wait a minute!
(bells ringing)
Hello?
(sighs)
(ghostly noise)
(screams)
Hey, can you help me?
I'm lost. I think I'm lost.
You, you don't talk much.
Do you know where everybody went, exactly?
(whimpers)
(ominous music)
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Could I have...
(screams)
Smoked so much I don't remember getting high?
Yeah.
(phone rings)
(screams)
(panting)
I'm hot and I'm dying.
- [Satsuki] Leo!
- Satsuki, please help!
- [Satsuki] I know I told you to dig deep,
but if you're getting laid I'm going to kill you!
- I wish I was getting laid!
Instead I'm in a field of dreams! Bad internet dreams!
I'm being punished for all those hours online.
- [Satsuki] Suck it up, Leo, and talk slower.
I can't understand you,
you're whining like a little bitch.
- [Leo] That's it! Yomi dash net!
- [Satsuki] God, not that again.
- It's the Yomi dash net. I'm trapped.
- I am starving!
- [Leo] Listen, I need you to go to the school's
computer room for me.
I was on one of the computers there,
and screw me to the sidewalk, I found Yomi dash net.
You have to help.
You suck at computers, but I can walk you through it.
The future of my world depends on it.
- [Satsuki] Oh, all right.
(ominous rumbling)
- [Satsuki] Leo? Leo! Hello?
(screaming)
Hey, what's wrong?
- [Leo] Giant fiery ball coming to kill me,
that's what's wrong!
- Okay, if we want to eat,
we've got to go to the computer room.
- Fine!
- Faster, Leo, faster!
(rumbling, screams)
(dramatic music)
- His computer's still on! He's in trouble.
- Dude, we're getting a Dell.
(gasps)
- [Satsuki] Dude got busted for pot.
Oh, Leo!
- Leo, what do we do?
- What do we do? He's trapped in the internet,
somehow I don't think control alt delete is going to cut it!
And it's been years since I've seen Tron.
- I made it. Who knew Jews could run so fast.
Huh? A bunch of somber, quiet people
against a red nuclear sky near a river of blood.
Wow, that doesn't look threatening at all.
Oh, thank god. Hey!
Where do I get ferry tokens?
Peter Jennings!
He must be covering a story.
Wait a minute. Peter Jennings is dead.
And there's William Rehnquist, Bob Denver,
Christian Slater's career. All dead. Where is this?
- [Mysterious Girl] It's the River Sanzu.
- What?
- You know. A river.
- It can't be! That's for dead people,
I'm not going there no matter what!
- No matter what?
- No matter what!
- Hang on, I have to do something. Check this out.
Put you on that boat by force!
(screams)
- That's Leo! I'd know that girly scream anywhere!
Don't die in there, Leo, you owe me five bucks!
- Momoko, dial!
- Hold on. Signal faded, call lost, gosh darn Verizon.
Oh, it went through like a prayer.
(monster growling, phone ringing)
- What is it? I'm a little busy right now!
- Well, we're trying to save you,
but perhaps you're beyond salvation.
- No! Give me the phone. And shut up.
Can you hear me? Leo?
Come in. Come in, Leo, come in. This connection sucks!
- [Leo] Google River Sanzu!
- The River Sanzu?
- "Train up a child, in the way he should go."
What's happening?
- Well, in Buddhism, it's a river they say people cross
when they die, and it leads to the next world.
But Born Again Christians know the truth.
Buddhism leads to one place, and that's hell.
- Okay, the religious right says you're screwed.
Can you lay your hands on a boat, Leo?
- Huh? What's that? Ew!
- Leo? Is that your date?
- That, I can believe.
- Swear to God, she was a hell of a lot prettier earlier!
- Leo, run!
- Wait a minute. In addition to false religions,
the devil can take many forms to trick people off the path.
Think Jesse Jackson.
- Leo has a date, demonic form, Jesse Jackson.
Here's your phone.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry, what are we doing?
- Hang on, give me a sec. There it is!
February seventh.
Townspeople continue to be suddenly spirited away.
This must be the doing of a demon
from the Road of the Underworld.
It lures those who have become lost onto the road,
then takes them to the River Sanzu.
- How do we banish this demon?
- To make it back from the Road of the Underworld,
hold up the talisman and chant that you want to go home.
It's a paper talisman, that's no good!
Need a new plan.
- But it can get Leo out of there!
God, you ruin everything, don't you.
- Yes, I do.
(monster roaring)
(screaming)
(monster laughing, roaring)
- Like I said, it's paper,
how are we going to get it to Leo?
- I don't know.
(gasps)
- A scanner. You use it to transfer pictures to Myspace.com
or JewishNerdBoysLookingForHoochies.org.
- I'm on it dot com. I'm a genius.
Hajime, out of the way.
- [Hajime] You are so rude.
- Hello, am I the only one here? Don't just stand there,
transfer my scanner thingie! Move it, Christian!
- Right.
- [Hajime] Hello, I'm in this show too.
- [Satsuki] Good Lord, are you typing with your feet?
Move it!
- Okay, I so don't know what's going on.
- You can shut up. We're trying to save your geek boyfriend.
(panting, whining)
(monster laughs)
- If you don't get on that boat,
you can't cross the River Sanzu!
Or will you drown here and die again?
- [Momoko] Download complete.
- [Satsuki] Send it already!
- [Momoko] Okay.
- Yeah. That's it. Wait, that laugh,
like in the movies. Giving my friends time to...
- What are you doing?
- Sweet!
- [Satsuki] Don't have many minutes left,
are you there?
- I'm listening, go!
- Leo, just grab the talisman.
Don't know what to do, so just make up some crap about home.
(grunting)
(monster roars)
(gasp)
- Show me the way to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed,
I had a little drink about an hour ago
and it's gone straight to my head!
(monster screams)
- The light!
- What happened? Who cut the cable?
- You've got me.
(distant thump)
- Huh?
- Keiichirou?
- What are you doing here?
- [Momoko] His people have been let go.
- [Satsuki] Thank God I'm so good at computers.
- Oh, Leo.
- Get it together, shaky! What happened?
- I had a date. She was pretty once.
- [Hajime] I told you it was a ghost.
I mean, Leo plus girl equals some kind of Satanic activity.
No offense, Leo. But come on, I mean,
you're no Hajime.
(mock vomiting)
- [Satsuki] Excuse me.
Look, these days you can get anything on the internet,
it's not that surprising to me that ghosts are using it.
I just wish we'd learned some moral out of this.
Danger's gone, music's swelling, it's very Brady, you know?
- You know what, if she wouldn't have turned into a demon,
I bet that girl and I could've been really happy together,
you know? Yeah.
(stomach rumbling)
- Pardon me. I'm kind of hungry.
- Hey, we still haven't eaten yet. Let's hit McGiggity's.
- Yeah!
- You're treating, Leo.
- What? Why me?
- Why? Because Jewish people rock!
- Finally! Charlize, here I come!
- Could we all kind of, like, go someplace cheaper?
(funky music)
(thunder)
(mysterious music)
(glass shattering)