(birds singing)
(clanging sound) (birds chirping)
(clanging continues)
(siren ringing)
(crashing)
(suspenseful music)
- [Man] You still haven't told me what to
do with these boards.
- [Man 2] Just move the boards over there, board mover.
- [Man] Okay, jackass.
Oh, splinter, oh!
- [Man 3] Hey man, if you squint, it looks like a clown.
- [Man 2] You are here, and you're an idiot,
and that does look like a clown.
- Ow, another splinter.
(switches clicking)
- That tunnel looks fine.
What the hell are they talking about?
- It is one creepy looking tunnel.
- Kind of reminds me of your sister for some reason.
- Yeah, jackass.
(suspenseful music)
(singing in Japanese)
(suspenseful music)
- [Man] So why'd they close off the tunnel anyway?
- Years ago, people went in there but
they didn't come out, not unlike your sister.
- Hey man, let's get off the sisters,
especially since I just got off of yours.
(laughs) - [Man 3] I like his sister,
she is one hot (speaks Spanish).
- I know that you're gay.
Oh great, you'll like this.
Someone's on my ass.
- [Man 3] Slam on your breaks, eh?
Let him hit us, threaten his car.
- With my luck, he's probably your cousin,
with no damn insurance.
(wind blowing)
- 2.2 celsius metric system.
Who thought this was a good idea, again?
I'm just gonna put 100, no one' gonna know.
(birds screeching) (whimpering)
Damn, ever since Lost.
Trees move, can't see nothing.
Show me the damn monster!
And Loche, Loche is a freak.
I mean, I like Terry O'Quinn and all,
but that guy is a freak.
Is Naveen Andrews still screwing Barbara Hershey?
Remember her lips in Beaches?
And why do fags like that movie so much?
Oh perfect, it's in Japanese.
(imitates Japanese)
Wait, that's Chinese.
Luckily I can read barricade.
(birds chirping)
Man!
I better hit a road or a rest area or a Stucky's soon.
I gotta pee.
(suspenseful music)
Hmm, looks like the tunnel in Grand Theft Auto.
I could beat up a couple of hobos,
snag some Molotov cocktails.
I love those things, boom!
(echoing) Boom!
BOOM!
(whimpering)
(screaming) (panting)
(whimpering)
- Hello, little boy.
Would you like for me to give you a ride?
(whimpering)
DOn't be dirty, I meant my cab.
(screaming)
- No thanks, I'll take the bus!
(panting)
(engines rumbling)
- [Worker] Hey you! This area is off limits!
What's the matter, kid?
Didn't you see that road sign?
I know it's in Chinese, but red letters are
kind of universal, don't you think?
You think you could just go where you want,
do what you want?
What am I gonna do with you?
Huh, huh, huh?
- Arrest me.
(upbeat music)
(mumbling)
- [Girl] The cafeteria workers go on Strike,
and we have to do the work?
What the hell is that about?
(mumbling)
I don't even like milk.
(mumbling)
Here.
(mumbling)
Come on!
See, milk does do a body good.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well it's not the tunnel of love, I'll tell you that.
- It's the Momiana tunnel.
- [Girl] So there is a tunnel?
- Yeah, but it's been closed for construction.
I guess they must have opened it for hurricane evacuees.
You remember what happened on the highways in Houston.
- See there? - What?
- How'd you make up trying to tell me this
hole just opened up in front of him?
Doesn't he wish?
So sad, someone praying for something so bad he imagines it.
- That's not what I said, liar!
- Yes you did.
- I did not! - Did so!
- I did not! - You did so!
- Shut up! You're giving more acid reflux than
my damn lunch.
- He started it. - She started it.
(birds chirping)
- If there's a cliff at the end of this mountain,
I'm pushing both of them off it.
- You did so! - Did not!
- Don't you two think you should give this a rest?
- [Both] No, we don't!
- Your hostility is aggravating my shingles condition.
- That's gross.
(wind blowing)
- So why'd they close the tunnel anyway?
Was it like the big dig?
- What a rip off that was.
- Lo, many years ago, a terrible accident took place inside
that cursed tunnel, cause unknown.
- So it was like the big dig.
- The last time anyone went inside there was
Jennifer Love Hewitt researching her new role and
trying to rediscover her career.
- See, it really is a ghost tunnel, I told you so.
And it almost got me, too.
- Hey, where'd Kitchuro go?
- And Momiko's gone, too.
- You just know she's witnessing to him, goddamn it!
- They're protected by fruit, and they knew they were-
- Kitchuro, you're not going to hell!
- Sinful and naked without Jesus.
- Hello, sinner.
- God, can you bomb an abortion clinic or something?
- You just wait.
When that wonderful President finishes stacking the
Supreme Court, we won't have to.
Ont forget what I told you about pre-marital sex.
- Abstinence only, got it.
(suspenseful music)
- Now, the ghost tunnel that's waiting to
kill us is that way, and the road that goes around
the mountain won't get us home before dark.
Suggestions?
- I have to get home before dark.
If I miss the E True Hollywood Story on Sean Young,
I'll be pissed.
I vote tunnel.
- Oh dear, that doesn't sound like a good idea to me.
- Never thought I'd say this,
but I'm with Momiko on this one.
(crying)
(all talking)
(brakes screeching)
(screaming) - That's it, the creepy cab!
- Would you kids like a lift?
(whimpering)
That tunnel's as dark and scary and has as
much bad juju around it as my ex-wife's...
Nevermind.
- [Boy] Why'd we get in this car, again?
- Hey, you're the little boy I saw yesterday?
- Me, no?
- I know what you're thinking.
Why aren't I Pakistani or some stoned dread-locked Jamaican?
Well, you're all being racists.
Creepy Japanese men can be cabbies too, you know.
But women should never be allowed to drive.
- Don't say it.
- Okay, idiot.
(suspenseful music)
- I hope they don't expect me to pay for this.
Hey, can I walk from here?
- No, and don't worry about the cab fair.
This ride is given out of the generosity of my heart.
- [Boy] Sweet.
Hey, when did you buy this car?
And did you get a good deal on it?
- [Cab Driver] Just two months ago, and no.
Damn hybrids haven't saved a cent on gas.
- [Boy] Two months? But...
- [Cab Driver] Well, well, well, it looks like we're here.
- [Boy] Already?
- The entrance to another tunnel!
(all screaming)
(all groaning)
- Kitchuro.
- What happened?
- I don't know, but that's why I just hate paying for cabs.
- Look!
(all whimpering)
- What the hell is that?
- Run!
(all panting)
(whimpering)
(screaming)
- Where, oh perfect.
- It looks like a cemetery.
- Where is everybody?
- I don't know.
- Obeying horror movie rules, I'm going to go out alone.
You stay here while I go out looking for help.
- Okay.
God bless him, leaving me here alone and
defenseless in a cemetery.
What a guy.
Huh.
- [Cat] I don't mean to interrupt your beauty sleep,
God knows you need it, but get up!
- Where's Kitchuro?
Kitchuro, are you all right?
- Post traumatic stress disorder is my diagnosis.
- Oh, thank you, Dr. Cat.
Where are we?
- This is obviously an Nominecki.
- Nominecki?
- The ghost of those who died in the tunnels.
Poor lonely bastards.
I mean, wouldn't you be lonely too after being trapped in
a dark, damp hole, year after year?
They're going to drag you down with them.
(laughing) Sucker!
- In school, with adults, with dead people,
I am just too popular for my own good.
- Glad to see you're looking on the bright side.
- Okay.
I tried to put the tunnel ghost to sleep,
but the regrets tying them to the living world were
so strong they wouldn't.
And they were so bitter and pissy that
they almost dragged me down with them.
It was almost as scary as being trapped in the
Lincoln tunnel that time after
seeing Sarah McLachlan at Lilifair.
Their dark energy was more threatening and
life-sucking than a group of frustrated granola dykes.
Oh, no, we're screwed!
- She's no J.K. Rowling.
- We've gotta find everybody and get the hell out of here.
Kitchuro, wake up, Kitchuro!
(groaning)
- Good morning. - Don't be cute.
(door opens)
- [Girl] Hi daddy!
- What the hell?
- You're home early.
Were the bars closed?
- No, I stopped by.
Oh, I've gotta sit down.
- Remember that test I flunked and
you beat me so hard I couldn't sit down for a week?
Look now!
- Wow, that's my girl!
- I cheated off Bobby Simmons just like you told me to.
- Help me to my chair.
- It's no blossom.
- [Cat] The Nominecki's memories, you moron.
- Why do I have to watch it?
- I don't know!
(screaming)
(suspenseful music)
(screaming)
- Shh!
- Don't scare me like that.
- [Boy] Thank God they didn't hear your loud scream.
Where are the others?
- Don't know, these people were heading to
this barbecue house, and I followed them.
(suspenseful music)
It's the cab driver with the bad skin condition.
I forgot my hourly devotional.
(water dripping)
- Hello, are you one of dad's friends from the spa?
- Sorry, I don't want to get too close.
That skin thing may be hereditary.
- Fine.
You and dad must've been close.
You know he likes sweet, young fruit.
And I can tell you're used to being on
your knees when you're around him.
- Sochi, I'm sleepy. - Me too.
- It's like a life-force BJ.
Wake up!
- Daddy, Cinnamon called and she said you should get tested.
- (laughs) That Cinnamon, what a kidder!
- [Cat] While he's consuming your life-force,
he's replaying memories of his past, bad memories, ew bad!
- (laughs) Hey, maybe you can cheat on the test.
- I'm clean, I promise.
- [Girl] I got something for you, daddy.
- AZT? Oh goody.
- It's a good luck charm/air freshener, pina colada scent.
- I would've preferred new car smell, but this is nice.
(giggles)
(rain falling)
(groaning)
- It looks like this is it, my dear Hachimi.
- I'm not giving you a reach around.
(suspenseful music)
- [Voice] Momiko, Momiko open your eyes.
Ooh, look for the Jesus Christ super-star looking graphic.
Ooh!
- [Momiko] Lord, is that you?
- [Voice] Yes, it is.
Nah, I'm just kidding.
Oh, I don't have much time, I better get on with this.
Sorry about this little spiritual possession thing lately.
I hate taking things without asking permission,
but well, you know me.
Okay, right now you're in the
threshold between life and death.
Sucks being you.
Anyway, I can speak directly to you right now instead of
through you, get it?
- Huh?
- [Voice] It's a nominecki, long story. Look up!
- What, you want what?
- [Voice] Hang on, let me put on my glasses.
Ooh, that's better.
All of you need to wake up,
then destroy your own tombstones.
- You're making me dizzy.
- Yeah I know, the afterlife is a trip.
Okay, destroy the tombstone illusions any way you can.
- Illusions?
Where's the light of the Lord?
Hey, I'm not supposed to be dead yet.
(yelling) (crashing)
Wake up, everybody! Satan is trying to kill us.
You need to destroy your tombstones, or you're going to die.
Any way you can, just imagine it.
- I don't have a good imagination, but whatever you say.
(yelling) (crashing)
(grunting) (crashing)
- Fire in the hole! (crashing)
- Go go, Godzilla! (crashing)
(all panting)
- What was that about?
(screaming)
(suspenseful music)
(all screaming)
- What the hell kind of plan was that?
- Your bad one!
- Huh?
(screaming)
- Hurry up and get in the damn car!
- Oh, you can kiss my ass!
- I should've been suspicious when it was free.
- Just shut up and get in the car.
- What?
- Yeah, I know it smells bad, they all do.
- Check this out. (revving engine)
(laughing)
Oh, 50 points. (laughing)
Jay walkers are last! (laughing)
- We gotta tip this guy.
- [Cab Driver] Well, I wasn't paying attention to the road.
I was really nervous about my test results.
You have a couple of drinks,
bang one dirty hooker on a bad day,
and let me just tell you,
there may be something to this abstinence business.
Anyway, I guess my kid's good
luck charm/air freshener worked.
(soft music)
My results came back negative, I was clean.
And then...
Yep, wouldn't you know?
Bam!
(soft music)
(birds chirping)
- Okay, that is the most depressing story I've ever heard.
- And I missed E!
- I mean, what was that all about?
He's negative, and then gets hit by a semi?
Where is God?
(soft music)
- Over there.
- Shouldn't we have helped her?
- No.
- Do you think maybe my parents taped my show for me?
I wanted to find out if that baby thing was true.
I kind of feel sorry for her,
she was so good in Blade Runner, and Stripes.
Remember how good she was in Stripes?
Coke is bad.
(singing in Japanese)
(screaming)
- Let go of me! (screaming)
Stop it!