- You shouldn't run right after eating lunch.
You're lucky you're not barfing your guts out.
- Thanks.
- I gave you a suppository so you should be fine.
I'll go tell your teacher.
Good luck.
(light footsteps)
(door creaks)
(dramatic orchestral music begins)
(screams loudly)
(singing in a foreign language)
(slow piano music)
(camera shutters)
- That's where she was?
- She looked like one of the man girls
from Paris Is Burning.
- The school nurse is a big pentathlon fan
maybe you were just high.
- I was not high.
I swear I never left the bed.
- I'm guessing it was the cursed nurse.
- Cursed nurse?
- Cursed Nurse?
- Yes, she possesses sick people without health insurance
and takes them with her to the spirit world.
Long ago this poor kid at our school got sick
all of a sudden and was taken to the infirmary.
The cursed nurse showed up
and the boy just, well don't make me say it.
- Say it, you can say it.
- Don't you get scared little guy?
You're tough as nails.
- You're hurting me.
- You're a goner.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(door slams)
- I don't believe in that ghost.
Come on, Keiichirou, we're going home.
- What? Home?
You don't believe me.
- There's no such thing as a cursed nurse.
- What's her problem?
(door opens)
- Hey, what do you want tonight?
Lean Cuisine or dumplings?
- Dumplings.
- You're gonna get meow Mix.
- You shut the curtains already?
- I don't want that drag queen nurse peeking in at me.
- Drag queens won't bother you.
Worry about priests.
- Leave me alone.
I've got to fill out my Special Olympics application.
(laughs)
- Special, Special Olympics (laughs)!
Can't wait.
- Leave him alone.
(mumbles)
- Stop being hateful and tell me about this cursed nurse
you fur bag.
- Oh, all right, I'm sorry.
Why don't you look in your mommy's ghost diary?
- Just like I thought, you don't know
she doesn't exist.
- What's the matter?
Did Oprah have a show on the d-d-denial or something?
- Tyra Banks.
Keiichirou, what do you want for dinner?
Tell me.
- (mumbles)
- I'm gonna beat you retarded.
- [Satsuki's dad] I'm home.
- (speaking in foreign language)
- Be a little hard to show my face
after that dorm molestation scandal
but if you kids want me to make
this parent-child lunch thing,
I'll get up and go.
That's your cue to let me off.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Okay.
- Why don't you just stay home?
- Really?
- What are you saying Keiichirou?
- Could you wear a wig and a dress?
- I think I'm in enough trouble.
- And staff apron, make sure you tie your pee-pee down.
I don't want to be the only kid without a mom.
- Keiichirou!
- They beat me up all the time.
I don't need another goddamn reason!
- You watch your goddamn mouth!
- Okay, I'm off the hook.
- Dad?
- I understand them Satsuki.
They make fun of me all the time too now.
I don't need another goddamn reason either.
(soft piano music)
Remember what I was telling you
about your mother's cooking, Satsuki
Well, these dumplings would do your mother
and Paula Deen proud.
If Paula was Japanese.
(soft piano music)
- Why are my memories always (mumbles)?
(hissing sound)
(gulping sound)
(sobbing)
- Oh God!
- Is it good?
- Yeah.
- You certainly love apple juice,
don't you Keiichirou?
- Yeah.
- But it gives you such gas.
- Yeah.
(burping)
- Pardon me.
You're gonna die, aren't you?
- Ah-ah.
- Let's lighten this dark moment with a joke.
Go ahead mom, pull my finger.
- Okay.
Oh oh.
- Hey!
(Loud dramatic music)
- Come back, it's really funny.
Everybody in my school is doing it.
You see, when you pull my finger,
I make a noise like I farted, it'll kill you.
(loud screams)
(loud cries)
(screams)
(indistinct)
(screams)
(breaths heavily)
- Trying to sleep here.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Get a hold of yourself.
You just had a dream, that's all!
(speaks in foreign language)
- Well, he screams and cries every night
and wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep.
God, having a dead mother is hell on your beauty rest.
- I'm a little hung over, so can we talk about this later?
- Fine.
(chopping sounds)
Don't talk, just remember I haven't had much sleep.
and I've got a knife.
(wind blowing)
- Damn it!
Just like etch a sketch.
What?
(cries)
- Sorry I'm late, Mr Stikato is being an ass.
- She's back! (mumbles)
- What?
- The drag queen nurse is back, look.
What?
- I don't see anyone.
- She was there, I saw her.
- He's on drugs.
- I'm not on drugs.
Just Paxil.
No Keiichirou, Momoko is right.
After all you didn't get much sleep last night.
- I never do. You snore like Rob Mungle.
- Then you're lying.
(speaking in foreign language)
(sobbing)
- Spare the rod...
(birds chirping)
- Morning Satsuki!
- Hi there.
- Don't you just hate laundry day--
- If your husband would get a job, you could by a dryer.
- It's so good to have that dead be come home
with a liquor on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
red bastard!
- Keiichirou, why am I still talking like that redneck?
Hey.
- Sis dear mom, a love going you're P.S. see to.
- Oh no!
Please let her not be in here.
She's definitely not here.
Why couldn't she have written a damn table of contents?
It's Marilyn Manson.
I put the cursed nurse to spiritual sleep in the infirmary.
- [Narrator] To put her to spiritual sleep say,
The patient's illness has been cured,
the patient's illness has been cured.
I mean, you say it twice.
But some people say the cursed nurse
is actually the grim reaper.
So I don't know if this really worked or not.
Sue me.
- If she wasn't dead, I swear to God I'd kill her.
- Keiichirou!
(train engine roaring)
(screams)
- God, I can't breathe in here.
- Stay down and shut up.
(train engine roaring)
- Thanks for coming with me Momoko.
I mean, you could always use some Jesus,
you know what I mean?
- I have such fond memories of that hospital.
It's a loving place of healing, except for those who die.
- Roger that.
Keiichirou was so young when mom was in the hospital,
how would we find it?
And with his dyslexia, he could end up in Bangkok.
(speaking in foreign language)
- What?
- I mean, mom said she put the cursed nurse to sleep
when she was a child.
- When you were in the hospital,
did she say anything about it?
And why would she only show up when Keiichirou was around?
- It seems like she's after him,
or she has a crush on him or too much time on her hands.
Help me out here.
- Did you try looking her up in your mother's ghost diary?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm confused.
Did you look under C or did you look under N?
I never get those things right?
- I hate them.
- Huh?
- No, not N's or C's, hospitals and nurses and stuff.
Bad memories.
- Listen Satsuki, you only get a chance like this
once in your life.
All right who's first?
- Do you know how long I waited outside that room
for him to finish?
- Oh dear God!
(bus engine roaring)
(button clicking)
- Okay, I got a level with you here.
Remember that I told you that I met your mother
at the Exodus Homosexual Conversion Camp?
Well, that was just one of the floors at the hospital.
The one floor I was on was the rehab wing.
Before I met Jesus, I was really (bleeps) up .
- No.
- And a slut.
Anyways, we heard this story about this nurse
who comes around after the other nurses make their rounds.
Every time she went into one of the rooms,
that patient, swear to God,
flat blind, dead, gone.
I mean truly meeting Jesus.
Stop looking at me like that.
Well, you know how it is,
you give up one addiction, you get another.
- Apple juice.
- What?
- Yeah, I know.
Anyway, so I'm getting my (indistinct).
- Momoko, did I scare you baby?
- Yes, actually you did.
- Momoko, I wanna tell you something.
Oh, you're hot.
(laughs)
I really enjoyed praying with you the other day.
- I got to tell you I was a mess before I came here.
The drugs, the sex, crazy.
Jesus saved my ass.
- And what a lovely little ass it is too.
(slow piano music)
- Oh, I'm freaking you out, aren't I?
- Yeah, but like I can talk.
- I feel I can talk to you about anything.
- You can.
- And boy did she.
she starts going on and on about how there was this party
and she was wasted and she never slept with a guy
and go figure, she gets knocked up
and then she thinks she's got to marry this dude.
You know where this is going, don't you.
- Looking on the bright side,
she must've been Bi because you've got a little brother.
I mean, she slept with a guy at least twice.
I mean, she didn't have to have you.
- What about the damn ghost?
- Oh yeah.
Never heard much about her after that.
Maybe your mother put her to sleep.
Maybe she was your mother's lover and got pissed.
- She would have lived if she wasn't in County.
(laughs)
- I have a confession to make.
The last time I saw mom
was right before I went to go get myself some--
(yawning)
- We'd been there for hours, I was thirsty.
(struggles)
- What's the matter?
- What do you think is the matter.
I'm two feet tall, I can't reach the juice.
(sobbing)
I'm too short.
- Guess you don't get your juice then.
- You could help me, you know.
- Here.
- Got me my juice.
- You're welcome!
- I mean, I heard the nurses talking,
I knew she was a goner.
I saw the old man and 36 feet kick
and it was just gross.
All the stuff coming out of them in the morning.
Who wants to see your mom go through that?
Why'd they take me to the hospital anyway, I was two.
Let me stay home and watch cartoon network.
- I hear you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Fairly OddParents,
Teen Titans, Ravens--
- I said I heard you!
- I'm just saying, dude, she's hot.
Kinda wanna, you know?
- Where is everybody?
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's switch everybody's charts around.
Give the guy in 4B a breast job.
- I mean, her cape is just so sexy, you know.
You feel me?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(speaking in foreign language)
(sobs)
- It's like the grind game.
- Keiichirou!
- Satsuki.
This transvestite won't leave me alone.
- If you lay even a finger on Keiichirou,
I'll kick your ass you (mumbles)
I come from a long line of quasi-lesbian ghost killers!
I'm not afraid of your ugly draggy ass.
- Don't piss her off, you know how lesbians can get.
- The patient has been cured.
Oh, once more, The patient has been cured!
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I can't put her to spiritual sleep.
- Then why did you come?
- Pretty good question.
- Chill kid.
She's not gonna hurt you.
I want to, but she won't.
Float and Florence Nightingale here.
She's only coming to give you a little message.
Don't feel bad about bailing on mommy dearest.
Now that is some really nice animation.
- Did she go to spiritual sleep?
- She gave us a bill.
- What the,
it's a letter from mom.
- Huh!
- When did she write this?
(breathes heavily)
- Well, I totally forgot about that.
- What?
- That nurse isn't the grim reaper.
She's an angel of the Lord
telling people to say their goodbyes.
I thought it was just having a flashback or something
when your mother told me about her,
I mean I was a huge user,
huge!
When your mother was talking about a nurse saying it's time,
I thought she was talking about a bath or something.
So, you know you're gonna die
and you're gonna write your kids a letter.
(laughs) It's messed up.
- Yeah, got any stationary?
- I guess I was so caught up in her sexuality story,
I kinda forgot about her dying and all.
And now this angel of the Lord
brings the letter to Keiichirou.
Is this so great or what--
- Keiichirou!
- Oh, Hey dad.
- I was so worried about you.
- Dad, you got a letter from mom.
Hope for your sake it's not COD.
- Huh!
- [Satsuki's Mom] Dear Keiichirou,
Well, I'm sure this is incredibly inappropriate.
I mean, you'll probably be only four or five,
by the time that nurse spirit finally gets this to you.
It's not like the afterlife has any FedEx office
or anything.
I'm leaving strict instructions
for this letter to be left out for you.
But with my luck this being County and all,
they'll probably bury it with me.
I would like to give you some words
of wisdom or comfort or some heartfelt mojo,
but I'm so strung out on methadone right now.
I'm doing good just holding my pen.
Oh, before I forget, let me get down to business.
Me and my mom have really pissed off some ghosts
and spirits in our time.
And well,
sorry to break it to you,
but they'll probably be coming to kill you.
Hope Satsuki finds that diary.
Can't remember where I put the damn thing.
I'm so high.
God! (laughs)
Oh, but I did leave you a photo album.
Look at what I was wearing.
Oh, horrible.
I mean, even after I married your father
I still dress like a dyke.
Hope I didn't put that pink suit picture in here.
Oh goddamn it.
And your father always thinks it's so cute
to cross his eyes and pictures
see, see, he...look...look he did it there.
But for all his flaws, I really did love the guy
and the hot sweaty wall slamming sex we used to have, wow.
And I have to say,
I really enjoyed being you kid's mother.
At least I think I did.
Nurses increasing drip and I'm losing it.
I'd love to give you some more family ties moments
but that's not me.
Tough love baby.
That's just how I rumble
- Man, I'm thirsty.
Look dad I can reach the buttons now,
can I have a couple more bucks for some Cheetos?
- Huh.
- But could you open it for me?
You know how bad I am with shapes.
- No Keiichirou,
this time son, you open it yourself.
(cries)
- Oh, dad.
- Oh, son.
Son.
- Argh.
Oh I'm sorry.
(screams)
(cries)
(singing in foreign language)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy sexy ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy sexy ♪
- No,
stop!
Please, release me.
please release me let me go.
- Wait a minute.
- [Man's voice] Hope you like our art,
cause you'll be here alive.
(laughs)