(flame crackling)
(ominous music)
(girl gasping)
(wood creaking)
(flame roars) (girl gasping)
(ominous music) (creature growling)
(girl whimpers)
(girl screams)
(flame crackles)
(singing in foreign language)
(ominous music)
- [Misono] Oh my God, did that spell work, you know,
like the one where you write your name in an eraser?
I hear the head cheerleader's having an abortion.
The slut!
- [Tomomi] It worked.
- Shut up! Get out!
- [Tomomi] You shut up. Get out.
He talked to me at my locker and tried to feel me up.
- Wow!
Worshiping Satan is awesome.
I can't wait to try a spell.
- God, will you stop huffing your nail polish?
Remember, Misono, you're the one
who recommended Tomo use that spell.
- Did I? Oh God, you're right.
(Misono laughs)
- [Aya] I hate your laugh, Misono, stop it.
Anyway, did you hear about what happened
between Wade and Honda?
[Tomomi] I knew it had to be a spell,
because he is so not into her.
And I hear he is huge.
- [Aya] Yeah, like an elevator button.
- That makes me wonder.
What kind of spell do you think she used on him?
- [Misono] I know, right?
- [Shinobu] You want me to tell you?
- Hey, Shinobu.
- You know, I know what spell she used on him. (giggles)
- It's like "The Craft."
Fairuza Balk.
What the hell kind of name is Fairuza?
Fairuza!
- Knock it off.
- Like I said, they're using spells.
- Doesn't work.
I used a Ouija board once
to contact a dead hooker I saw on the news,
and she never showed up.
Bitch.
- But what's wrong with little spells?
- Hmm?
You, you're doing it too!
Good Luck Heathcliff key chain!
Pinky manicure!
You're doing spells, too!
- These, these are just-
(wind howls) Woo!
(Hajime and Leo gasping)
- And even Good Luck Hello Pussy panties.
You're going straight to hell, young lady.
(dramatic music)
- Pervert!
You sick- - Hey, it's kind of weird
you're always hitting! - Twisted, inconsiderate,
blowhard, disgusting- - Kaki here is just
as guilty as I am! - Big-time douchebag!
- Tony Orlando Good Luck ribbon
for good grades to come to me.
Paris Hilton Foot Kilt for a tighter ass.
And a suppository for a flatter tummy, hmm.
There, I'm good to go.
(playful music)
- [Boy] Well, Dad calls her a whore,
but I like to call her Mom.
(playful music)
- There's the cute, little coven.
Maybe those whorey, little Heathers will
finally let me join their club.
Good morning!
(Tomomi and Aya gasp)
Thanks for telling me about that diarrhea spell.
I haven't seen Hajime, all day.
What's the matter? What'd I say?
- [Misono] Gotta go.
Late.
- [Shinobu] You sure know how to clear a room.
- Sorry.
(alarm chimes)
(Shinobu scoffs)
- [Tomomi] Are we really gonna do it?
- [Aya] Yeah, black magic.
And I look great in black.
- [Tomomi] No, you don't.
- Relax, what's the worst that could happen?
US Weekly said that J-Lo sold her soul to the devil.
- [Tomomi] She married Marc Anthony.
- [Aya] Oh, you're right.
Well, we'll just be smarter.
- [Tomomi] Right.
(solemn music)
- So the Bitches of Eastwick are doing a spell
behind my back, are they?
- Hey there.
- (gasps) Don't sneak up on me like that.
- What are you doing?
- Nunya ya business, hit the road.
(suspenseful music)
- [Shinobu] Ready?
Here we go.
(Tomomi gulps)
(Tomomi groans)
- [Misono] Like, oh my God.
(Shinobu laughs)
(suspenseful music)
- [Tomomi] Hurry up.
(Shinobu gasps)
(girls gasp)
- I just knew it!
Shame on you, going off
and doing another spell behind my back.
What are you doing?
- (scoffs) Nothing!
(ominous music)
- (gasps) Really?
- Hmm?
Mm-hmm.
- What?
So what is going on?
- [Misono] Oh, it's just a wish.
- [Satsuki] A wish?
- Yeah, wanna see?
Come on, it'll be fun.
(cork squeaking)
(eerie music)
O spirit of bitches, O soul of skanks,
and the fanboy spawn whose breath is rank,
hear my prayer, O powers that be.
With Curious by Britney
and glitter from Claire's Boutique.
Oh my God!
(beep) me, Satan! (beep) me, Satan!
(beep) me, Satan!
- [Satsuki] What?
- Oh, sorry about that.
I mean, grant our wishes and deep desires.
To hell with right and wrong.
Bitch, I'm on fire!
Mm.
Heil, Hitler.
(ethereal music)
(explosions popping)
(solemn music) (blood splatting)
Oh yeah!
(fire roars)
(Shinobu sighs)
I wanna cigarette.
A Doral.
- That's weird.
I could've sworn I felt something prick my finger.
- [Tomomi] Word.
- You're just imagining it.
Maybe it's only that you want to get preg-satski?
- I was just wondering.
I'm not gonna get a big ass
and marry some acne-faced rat, am I?
- (groans) Hey, I had nothing to do with that J-Lo thing.
And no, Nervous Nancy, you'll be just just fine
as long as you don't speak to anybody about this.
- Like what'd you mean?
- Ah, I told you!
I mean, I told you.
This is a spell that'll grant you any wish,
but if you talk to anybody else, or Star Magazine,
before your wish comes true,
all of you dumb bitches will be cursed.
- [Aya] That'd be bad.
- [Tomomi] Worse than bad.
- It'll be all right.
Just make sure none of you say anything about it.
But if you decide you don't like this,
there's a way to quit in the middle.
Okay?
(all sigh)
- [Amanojaku] Hey, Satsuki.
- [Satsuki] What? What do you want?
- [Amanojaku] What did you do?
- What do you mean what did I do?
- Fine, be that way, don't tell me.
I don't care.
I'm already in black, so if you die,
I'm good for your funeral.
(Amanojaku yawns)
(Amanojaku grunts)
(Satsuki laughs)
(Amanojaku laughs)
(creepy music) (Satsuki groaning)
(creature hissing)
(Satsuki gasps)
(tense music)
(air whooshing) (tense music)
(creature growls)
(Satsuki gasps)
(creature panting)
- I can't move.
I can't even say anything.
(suspenseful music)
It's all right.
Maybe I just left the fan on, and it's paralyzed me.
Wait a minute.
I don't have a fan.
(creature growling)
And why do I have the feeling I'm being watched?
Who is it?
Is someone there?
Crap! (creature roars)
(Satsuki yells)
(Satsuki whimpering)
I can move.
And that feeling's gone.
No one's here.
I guess I must've just been imagining it.
Whew!
(dramatic music)
(gasps) What?
Oh no!
(Satsuki groans)
(ominous music)
Ooh, Luminol.
(birds twittering)
(Satsuki sighs)
Something was here.
But I don't even know its name.
Looking it up is like trying to find out how
to spell a word in the dictionary.
I never got that.
(door creaks)
(Satsuki gasps)
- Well, let's go.
If we don't hurry, we'll be late for school.
- Don't sneak up on me like that.
Go get me my coffee.
Be my bitch!
Can't forget this.
So it showed up at all your places, too?
Jeez, what's she thinking?
The next thing you know, she'll have us skin a goat.
- [Misono] What should we do?
That blood thing was so gross.
- We abort this like an unwanted child.
Shinobu said we can quit in the middle of it,
if we wanted to.
- Yeah, but Aya and Shinobu are late.
(Satsuki gasps)
(Satsuki groans)
- All right, good morning, everybody.
Let's see who's cut class, today.
Aoyama? - Here!
- Harris? - Here!
- Tubman Funkowitz? - Here!
- Bashir? - Here!
- Fister. - Mr. Sakata?
- You're not Fister. Be quiet.
- I mean, what about, you skipped Aya Etou.
- Etou?
What are you talkin' about?
There's no girl named Etou in our class.
- Huh?
(class laughs)
(eerie music)
- What?
Aya's desk is gone.
This is like that Julianne Moore movie.
(door rattles)
(eerie music)
(Shinobu laughs) (Satsuki gasps)
(Misono and Tomomi gasp)
- [Sakata] All right, let's move on here.
Girardi? - I'm here!
- Campbell? - 'Sup!
- [Sakata] Imoonchuk? (Imoonchuk clicks)
Sprectum Meganki? (Sprectum warbles)
Crapper? (Crapper flatulates)
(eerie music)
- [Satsuki] What the hell are you doing?
- [Shinobu] What do you mean?
- Look here, Aya's missing, and I know you're behind it.
What kind of spell are we doing here?
- [Shinobu] I can't help it if she failed.
- [Satsuki] Failed?
- Last night, I got a call from Aya.
She said she wanted to quit, so I told her how to do that.
- But I guess the fact
that she disappeared means she must've screwed it up.
Or she opened her big trap.
- You are such a bitch!
Stop being such a freakin' skank and get her back!
- [Shinobu] Don't blame me, ho.
I didn't force you into this.
You're the ones who said you wanted to do it.
So there.
- Sometimes, yes means no.
- And sometimes, you're a bitch.
What do you wanna do?
You wanna quit or stay in the game?
- I'm gonna quit.
I'll get bigger breasts
and a tighter ass, the old-fashioned way,
plastic surgery.
- [Misono And Tomomi] Uh-huh.
- Your call.
(wind howls)
- What is with you?
- Huh?
- You're like an afterschool special.
Are you pregnant?
- Oh please.
Oh please!
- [Shinobu] If you tell anyone, you'll be cursed.
- Yes, that's it. I'm pregnant.
- You can have an abortion, if you want.
My mother says wished she would've had one.
- Leave me alone.
It's none of your business, Hajime.
- Uh, what? (sighs)
It's that frosted Vic Mignogna lookalike, isn't it?
I know it!
God, I thought you had better taste than that!
Fullmetal disgusting is what that is.
(clock ticking)
- [Shinobu] There is one way to negate the contract.
Stand at your front door at 2 a.m.
and hit these comma beads against one another,
while you chant the spell.
Yeah, that's it.
(clock ticks) (suspenseful music)
(wind whistling)
- Magic comma beads are glowing.
Magic comma beads are green.
Save my ass from satanic forces unseen.
Let me live until I'm a drug-addicted teen!
(dramatic music)
- Stop that! (Satsuki grunts)
(dramatic music)
- Ah, hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?
- That's what I should be asking you, Suzy Suicide.
You were performing the ritual of darkness.
It's a spell to erase your very existence.
And I just saved your ass.
- [Satsuki] What?
- Whoever told you to do this, well,
she's either a bitch or a ghost.
(dramatic music)
(Satsuki gasps)
- Oh no.
(Satsuki speaks in foreign language)
I mean, hello.
I'm sorry to call you at this hour.
Can I speak to Tomomi?
- Tomomi?
Ain't no Tomomi girl living here, say what?
Get yo' crackhead ass into some rehab.
I ain't got time for this bull-
(phone clacks) (Satsuki gasps)
(phone beeping)
- Mother (beep)!
- Hey, Satsuki, (phone beeping)
I believe you've got another call coming through.
(static crackles)
- [Shinobu] Why didn't you do it?
(Satsuki gasps)
The other two did as they were told.
(Satsuki gasps)
(dramatic music)
- Shinobu, you don't look so good.
- Run! She's a ghost and a bitch!
(Shinobu grunts)
- Good cat! - What, get off me!
Ah!
Fleabag!
Why are you siding with the humans, you backstabber?
- Don't you look at me with those hepatitis eyes.
I may hate humans,
but I hate sneaky, underhanded ghost bitches even more!
Nyah!
- Nyah yourself.
(Shinobu grunting)
Oh yeah.
(Shinobu growls)
(Amanojaku hissing)
(Amanojaku grunts)
- [Amanojaku] Oh, ya bitch!
- Now you.
(Satsuki panting)
(tense music)
(Shinobu sighs)
(Satsuki gasping)
Whee!
- No good.
I don't know its name, so I can't check.
What should I do?
Oh no!
And I've not had a hep C shot.
(fist banging)
(Satsuki gasps)
(dramatic music)
(Satsuki gasps)
(Satsuki yells)
(hands thumping)
Well, that's kinda cool.
What the, what?
(door rattling)
Ya, mi, me.
Yamime?
(Yamime gasps)
(Yamime growls)
Yamime, here it is.
That's her.
May 12th, Shinobu Matsuda, grade sixth, class four,
summoned Yamime from another world and got possessed.
What a dumb bitch.
This Shinobu, could it be?
(door thumps)
(Yamime hisses)
God, she just keeps writing,
and her penmanship is just awful.
Where's the damned Cliff notes?
Oh, here it is.
Bind her with red string and bathe her in sunlight.
(Yamime grunting)
Okay.
(suspenseful music)
(Yamime humming)
- [Yamime] Whee.
- Maybe she'll see Keiichirou in the top bunk
and eat him first.
That'd buy me some time.
(dramatic music)
(Yamime hissing)
I just cleaned these stupid windows, too.
Goddam her!
I could just escape.
- It's time for you to pay,
and I don't mean your Foley's card, Satsuki.
Mm-mm!
Oh, I need to floss.
(dramatic music) (Yamime roaring)
(Yamime gasps)
- Later!
(Yamime gasping)
(Yamime yelling)
Let's see.
Sunlight, I'll just have to improvise.
(Yamime yelling)
Hash stash, body glitter, boots.
(Yamime grunting)
My ELPH!
(Yamime grunting)
(camera clicks)
(Satsuki gasps)
(both yell)
(camera clicking) Aw, come on!
Oh my God.
What kind of skank (mumbles)?
This is disgusting!
I'm disgusted, ow!
(flash clicks)
(Yamime screeches)
(energy crackling)
- [Amanojaku] Morning, sunshine.
Come on, get up.
And you might want to do something about your three friends,
sleeping like drunk sorority sluts on the porch.
That's my space!
- Where's the long-armed skank?
- [Amanojaku] I don't sense her anymore.
I guess you put that hag down.
- [Satsuki] Amanojaku, thank you so much.
So my three friends wound up being just fine.
I never talked to Aya again.
She had the worst body odor.
I hate that.
Misono had that obnoxious laugh.
And one day, after sixth period, I just got sick of it
and smacked her in the face.
That ended that friendship.
And Tomomi was sent off to military school, because she-
- Hi, Hajime!
Hey, what are you doing here, Hajime?
- Nunya.
- Keiichirou, move your but.
We'll be late.
Don't talk to him.
- Hey!
- [Satsuki] Oh yeah, uh, thanks, Hajime.
- Huh?
Oh, sure,
(chuckles) Mrs. Mignogna.
Hey, are you gonna name the kid Vicky or Vic II or Obi.
(chuckles) Obi.
- [Satsuki] Actually, I never really dated Vic.
I heard he got this really awful copper crotch rocket.
And one day, when he was out on a road trip,
he got abducted by some gay Hell's Angels
and was never seen again.
(solemn music)
(singing in foreign language)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(solemn music)
(Amanojaku laughs)
(creature growls)
- [Amanojaku] This building is alive.
You've already been sucked in by it.
What will you do?
After all, this is a haunted housing block!
(Amanojaku laughs creepily)